Before it's too late
by Anae-chan
Summary: "Say what's in your heart before it's too late." The war is over, but the price was high. (Lavi/Kanda)


_Title__: Before it's too late  
__Author__: Anae  
__Beta__: None, I'm sorry.  
__Fandom__: D. Gray-Man  
__Characters/pairing__: Lavi/Kanda  
__Rating__: PG-13/R  
__Spoilers__: None.  
__Disclaimer__: I own nothing but the story.  
__Summary__: "Say what's in your heart before it's too late." The war is over, but the price was high.  
__Warnings:__ Mentioned character death(s)  
__A/N__: Apparently -man still kicks me to write new stuff. The idea for this came for a LaviYuu video ( www . youtube here, is being an ass + /watch?v=u6Cq0mGISj4&list=FL307EfqKgYvdUkct_5bPnaQ&index=4), lyrics of the song used in that, and one phrase of the 3__rd__ opening song of DGM's anime. So how did it end up this angsty? I have absolutely no idea. Hope you like, though. (Even if I'm not entirely satisfied myself.)_

* * *

"_Say what's in your heart before it's too late."_

* * *

Coffins.

Dark, wooden coffins with a cross etched to the lid, line after line, row after row – as far as the eye could see.

It reminded Lavi of the day he had arrived to the Order – back then he had thought that this was a lost battle – the smell of antiseptic in the air had been so strong, so many had died, so many were crying.

Never had he thought that the day when he would grieve over lost lives like those people back then would come.

But now the redhead sat there, on his knees next to one of the hundreds of coffins – the war was over, but the price had been high. The Order had lost almost every Exorcist and Finder it ever had had – surely, it was great that there were no Akuma nor Noah or Earl in the world anymore, but looking at ridiculously high number of coffins where the unmoving bodies lay, Lavi couldn't help but wonder if it had been worth it.

As a Bookman, he had seen many wars, recorded them, but none of them had made his heart cringe and hurt like this – none of them had hit it home.

Not before this.

The redhead's hands closed into fists, short nails digging into skin as he hung his head, eyes fixed to the grey floor. He had always expected there to be casualties at the war's end, a lot, but not this much. He hadn't expected to lose not only his master but also his friends.

"Lavi."

The future Bookman slowly lifted his gaze from the floor to raven-haired girl. Her eyes were filled with tears she was trying to hold back – without success – her beautiful face was patched, but under her eyes, there were black circles and her eyes were red from lack of sleep and crying.

Deep inside Lavi knew that he probably looked quite much the same – except that he hadn't let himself cry, even if the tears were burning behind his eyes.

He was a Bookman, after all. His smile was fake and the people were just ink on the paper.

But if were so, what was the clawing pain in his heart?

No matter how non-existent his feelings were, he couldn't but hug Lenalee as she slumped to her knees and wrapped her thin arms around him. Her face was buried on his chest as she cried, overwhelming sadness making her slim body to shake.

Lavi buried his face on her shoulder. Now that there was a thin barrier between him and the rest of the world, the tears started to fall. As a Bookman, he wasn't allowed to feel, let alone to cry – but having lost this much, maybe it was okay for him to be human just for one day?

The war's end was supposed to be something happy – no more fighting, no more casualties – but it wasn't, not by far. If this was what it meant to be alive – to hurt this much, physical pain aside – then Lavi wasn't sure if he was happy to have survived.

In the Order's cold floor, there were many like the two of them – people holding onto each other, crying against each other in desperate attempt to regain some comfort. So many had lost their lives – among them Allen and Kanda.

For them to have died – it was wrong in so many ways.

Yet there was nothing Lavi or Lenalee or anyone else could do about it. They would never hear Allen's laughter or Kanda's _che _anymore – they would never see Allen's smile or Kanda's frown, not ever again. The only things they had left behind were the memories and feelings of the survived.

Lavi held Lenalee tighter as he squeezed his eyes shut, losing himself to the feelings that overwhelmed him – longing after words that had never been said, the things that had never been done, but overall, just missing the two Exorcists.

It was the worst feeling on earth.

* * *

"You're leaving?"

Lavi turned to see the man who spoke to him, more than a little surprised – if he had expected someone to come to see him, it's wasn't this man.

"General Tiedoll."

The man waved his hand dismissingly. "Now now, no need for the title. War is over, anyway."

Lavi nodded as an answer. The ex-general was right, both about the title and his leave – the red-head had already said his goodbyes to the few people that had survived. "Yes, I'm leaving", he answered to the previous question. "The war is over and the recording is done. I'm a Bookman, after all."

It was ironical – the war had ended and the Exorcists had lost their value as a battle asset, or to but it more precisely, there was no need for them anymore. Ironically, Tiedoll had lost his title and Lavi had gained his – the old man had died in the final battle, along with the many.

Just the thought of the coffins and important people lost made Lavi's chest hurt, no matter how he told himself that there was nothing to feel for. He missed them, and he would miss the few that had survived. Some Bookman he was.

Because he was so lost in his thoughts, the ex-general was able to surprise him – the man took his hand and put something to it, closing it before the youngster could see what the small object was.

"I think he would've wanted you to have this."

The man's voice carried over so many emotions – sadness, pain and love – that there was no mistaking to whom he was referring to.

Lavi opened his mouth to say something, but the ex-general beat him to it. It probably wouldn't have happened to Lavi that he had been mere of months ago, but after so many things had happened, there was just no way for the red-head to stay the same he had been.

"Do you know why Yuu cut his ties with you?"

Those words threw every word Lavi had had on his tongue away, chased away every single thought he had had. "How…"

There was a sad smile on the man's face. "It's my adorable pupil we're talking about."

Lavi gaped a while at the man – sure, Kanda had been Tiedoll's pupil, and it had been clear for everyone that the man truly cared about the blunt swordsman a lot. After all, he had been the closest thing to a father, to a family, that Kanda had ever had.

Which was the reason why Lavi probably shouldn't have been so surprised to see that Tiedoll had actually known about him and Kanda. What they had hadn't been any sort of a relationship – it had begun as an accident in a mission after sharing a room, and in the end, it had resulted to sharing a bed more often than not and spending more time which each other. Which was why Lavi had come to know Kanda better than anyone in the entire Order – had even started to care, as forbidden as it was – and had thought that Kanda had felt the same.

So when the swordsman had told him angrily that whatever they had was over, Lavi had been extremely surprised. He had even tried to get close to the other youth again to understand why – something Kanda hadn't let happen. After throwing those words to Lavi's face, Kanda had kept his distance, leaving Lavi just wondering what he had said or done wrong.

Because what the spark between them hadn't been a lie.

Or at least he had thought so.

"I don't", he answered to Tiedoll, voice colder than it should've been. But then again, he wasn't supposed to feel hurt, especially not after all this time, not with Kanda's motionless body lying in one of the hundreds of coffins, no nothing more than ash.

The sad smile on Tiedoll's face deepened as he watched into Lavi's green eye – confused, hurt and sad – as if the boy could've denied his feelings, could've denied that he was human. Because every single human had feelings – it was what made them human.

It was something he had told Kanda multiply times as well.

"Yuu knew he was going to die. He knew the life he had left wasn't going to hold through this war." Tiedoll took off his glasses, wiping his eyes to his sleeve – Kanda had been like a son to him, and no parent should bury their children. "That's why he pushed you away."

_Because he cared._

For the longest moment, neither of the two spoke – it didn't take more than seconds for Lavi to understand the meaning behind the ex-general's words. Kanda had pushed him away for Lavi's sake – and never said a word.

It was so like Yuu.

Lavi opened his hand – the one ex-general had closed – and upon seeing the piece of jewelry, he pressed a hand on his mouth, afraid of the sound he might make, and felt the tears burning again.

Kanda's bracelet.

Lavi didn't even notice Tiedoll passing him, didn't feel the sympathetic squeeze on his shoulder – he barely even heard what the man was saying. "Take good care of it. And if you ever need to reminisce, you're welcome to drop by." The ex-general was gone before the red-head knew it.

All he could see was the object on his hand, all he could think about was the truth Tiedoll had just given to him.

A tear fell on the black bracelet, followed by another. And another.

Lavi squeezed his eyes shut, doing his best not to remember the last time he had held Kanda on his arms.

"_You know, it wouldn't hurt for you to say you like me instead of hate."_

"_Che." Lavi couldn't help but grin at that – it wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no either. He was sitting on the bed besides the swordsman – Kanda was lying on his back, raven black hair spread to the bed like a crown. On the pale moonlight, shining in from the broken window, caressing the Exorcist's pale skin, his face serene, blue eyes looking only at the Booman junior, Lavi felt himself privileged just to be there, let alone to know that he was the only one who could have this._

_When Kanda pulled him closer, fingers playing with the red locks descending to his neck, there was no reason to resist._

"_If I ask you to stay?"_

_Before Lavi could give a verbal answer, Kanda's lips brushed his lover's. Staying would result problems for both of them in the morning, but frighteningly enough, Lavi couldn't bring himself to care._

_As he rested his temple on Kanda's, fingers entwined with black hair, eyes closed, breathing the same air with the Exorcist, Lavi knew that he was far too gone to care about the feelings he wasn't supposed to have._

"_Then I'll stay."_

Lavi held the bracelet against his chest, right upon his beating heart as the tears fell down. Letting out a shaky breath, he lifted his eyes to the blue sky Kanda had always hated.

In a way, it was convenient that Kanda was dead – to Lavi, there was no contemplating between his duties and his heart this way.

Yet… Lavi knew that he would always be a Bookman who had feelings. Bookman who had loved someone – even if he had never said it, not before it was too late. Maybe if he had tried harder he could've made Kanda come back to him – not that thinking back now made any difference.

The only thing that Lavi knew was that Kanda had been aware of his feelings – and that Yuu had loved him too. And that was something he could never forget, a feeling he could never deny – love that was left behind even if the warmth of that loved person was gone.

* * *

_If you left behind love, then it stayed on my lips._


End file.
